Tag Archives: Survivor

Survivor: Season 22 Episode 1

What if Rob and Russell weren’t the two former players who were allowed back?  What if it were two random former players that haven’t been back for a second, let alone fourth, time yet?  What if it were two former players that were voted off first in their seasons and were seeking redemption?  What if instead of any former players, it were Mitch Hedberg and the stunningly handsome Ed Harris who got off that second helicopter?  What if heaven could send me back the 30 seconds that I lost to the first “Survivor What If?” ad thing.  Fortunately, Her Sweetness and I watched the first 20 minutes of American Idol in order to let Survivor get enough ahead on the dvr that we could zip through the commercials.  Quite the fortuitous decision by us given that there were at least 2 more “What If” ad things that we were able to skip through.  We get it CBS, there’s a new gimmick this season that you don’t think we’re smart enough to grasp, stop cramming it down our throats, we’re former federal agents, we’re smart.

FEDS!

I’d soil myself if I had to sit on the edge of that helicopter while it nose dove.  Since it’s the first episode, let’s discuss a few rules that everyone should know in order to make it through the first vote.  Do at least some work around camp.  Don’t lead.  Talk way less than you want to, but don’t be creepy.  Smile.  If you’re lucky enough to find an immunity idol, tell absolutely no one, you just met these people.  Don’t attempt to make a game changing move when the game hasn’t even had time to breathe yet.  If you’re thinking about making a game changing move, assume that everyone in the tribe has figured it out, then plan accordingly.  That will probably make you nice and paranoid, but at least it’ll pass the time.  Wear pants and a long sleeved shirt.

There’s so much to digest from the first episode, so I’ll try to hit on as many of them as I can, as efficiently as I can:

  • Tools!  Tools?  What the f#%k?  Why are these people given tools… in a box?  Did you see how many nails there were in that tool box?  If this is only about product placement, that’s lame.  And if there is no tool box on Redemption Island, that’s the dreaded Double Lame.
  • If I were forming a band, Red Neck Man Sweater would be up for discussion as the name of said band.
  • Why is Phillip not a Federal Agent any more?
  • Every time someone talks with him, they should call it a briefing.
  • My theory is that Phillip has not watched very much Survivor before.
  • That took a lot of brass for Kristina to not play the idol.  I would have.  I wouldn’t have given it to Massachusetts Bob, (NEVER GIVE UP AN IDOL!), but I probably would have played it just to be safe.
  • Why didn’t Kristina vote for Francesca?  Or Francesca for Kristina?  Voting for Phillip was a wasted vote at that point.
  • The older white guy is named Steve Wright.  Apparently he played for the Cowboys in the 80’s.  I would have preferred Steven Wright the comedian.
  • Blonde dreadlocks man played in the NFL too.  I wonder if they know each other.
  • Seemed like the shots of animals and bugs were extra neat-o last night.
  • This Redemption Island gimmick means there will be combined reward/immunity challenges again.  Not a fan.

Time to pick a winner.  Since there are 18 people to choose from and some of them weren’t shown speaking last night, I took to the CBS website to read some contestant bios so I can make a super informed guess on who the winner will be.  One thing I’ll say is that based on their bios, just about all of the contestants think they’ll win because they can spot liars.  If Phillip hangs around, they might not have to worry about using that skill.

She didn’t say or do all that much last night, but I’m going with Sarita.  Reading her bio, I learned what sagacious means, and I also learned what a yurt is.  Her hippie parents built and lived in one (image search it).  For that, she gets my vote.  Andrea is my second choice for reasons that I’ll explain if she seems like a better decision down the road.

Survivor Freeze Frame of the Week:  Will not be seen this week.  I don’t have my camera at my disposal.  And my throat is dry, but it’s being treated.

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Country and Western

What am I doing?  I’ve been listening to Country and Western music for a month and not writing about it.  I have plenty to say.  First, there ARE things that I like, and there are a handful of songs that will make it onto my ipod when I start listening to it again.

"It's three o'clock and he hasn't showered yeeeeeeeeeeeet!

Jennifer Nettles’ voice is one of them.  If she could follow me around and narrate my day, just for one day, that happiness would more than make up for the Dolphins not having a good quarterback for the last 15 years.

Second, the first 1:37 of “Portland, Oregon” by Loretta Lynn.  As I type this, I’m listening to a version  that she did with Jack White.  I typed in Jack Black there by mistake, and deleted it, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Jack Black and Loretta Lynn rock out.
I think I started liking “Me and My Gang” by Rascal Flatts.  Or maybe  I like parts of it, maybe it’s that voice box thing in the beginning that brings out the subconscious Jersey/Bon Jovi/T-Shirt Time blood in me.  They mention  Oregon in the lyrics too.  What the hell’s happening in Oregon?

Trace Adkins seems cool, but is he really cool?  I wonder what he eats and drinks.  He should try and push the Adkins Diet on us whatever it is.

I miss listening to my music, though.  It’s testing my discipline, but I haven’t listened to anything non-country by choice.  Bars have other music playing,  so I have no choice but to listen to it when drinking with the public.  I also get music relief from movies as well.  Her Sweetness put on this clip from A Knight’s Tale, which I had never seen.  I don’t know what the hell is going on in that movie, but I thank it for the Bowie break.

On a different note, Survivor starts on Wednesday.  I’m going to try and post reviews here on Thursdays, but I just took a job with odd hours so I won’t get to see most episodes until Thursday afternoon.  So you’ll have to be patient.

Survivor: Day of Reckonin’

For the first 10 minutes of last night’s episode there was a winter storm warning scrolling across the bottom of the screen.  This is the first such warning since Her Sweetness and I moved to Charlotte in July and a winter storm in Charlotte is apparently just cold rain.  Schools are delayed.  I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’ll feel like a local any time soon, but by the end of the episode a little Carolina pride blossomed inside of me like a little baby bit of okra.  With about 15 minutes left in the episode, I thought, “Boy, Chase’d better not show his face in my Carolina neighborhood.  Liar.  Backstabber.  Flipper!”

I’ve seen every episode of Survivor and very few moments have captivated me as much as last night when Jane just wanted to make sure that her alliance was still strong.  This is a game built on lying and Jane thought she was in an honest to goodness alliance of honest people, except Sash.  When she asked them if they still had an alliance of four or if that had changed, typically contestants would just lie to appease her and surprise her at Tribal Council.  But you see, Holly can’t lie, Chase can’t lie, and Sash is smart enough not to get the blood on his hands.  Holly is smart enough to know that if you’re not talking, you’re not lying, so let Chase do all the talking.  He’s stupid, he’s young, let him stammer.  And stammer he did.   Twice this episode, Holly and Sash shut up while Chase made an ass out of himself.  At Tribal Council, Probst even said during one of the silences, “The game is being played right now.”

Back to Jane’s moment, watching the rage flick on behind her eyes when she realized she was out was as gripping as reality television can get unless someone passes out face down into a roaring campfire.  Then Sash drove the dagger home.  Survivor was nice enough to even toll a bell at the moment the camera cut to Jane.  Good times.  By the way does Jane look a little like Susan Sarandon to anyone else?

The first question that came to my mind was why wouldn’t Fabio and Dan form a quick alliance with Jane and vote out Holly.  Easy, they both have a better chance to win immunity two more times than they do of beating Jane against a jury, so why bring her?  Actually Dan has no chance to win anything, this is more about Fabio.  Seriously, are there two people that deserve to win less than Dan?  No, of the five people left, I would rank them: Sash, Holly, Fabio, Dan, Chase in terms of deserving to win.  Chase is last because he has dumbed his way through this whole game.  At least Dan knows he has no chance.  If it’s up to me, I take Dan and Chase to the finals and I’d be a lock to win.  I guess I’m rooting for Fabio, though.  I’m not sure why.

  • I guess there won’t be an auction this season.  I’m bummed.
  • Who do you think is going to rebuild the fire?  I remember Fabio getting the smoke in his eyes earlier this season, but can he build a fire?
  • Chase has really gotten his share of life lessons this season.
  • Probably some uncomfortable moments when Jane met Marty after being eliminated.  Marty threw the target on Jane’s back weeks ago and it stayed there until last night.  If Marty hadn’t said anything, I doubt that anyone this season would have been smart enough to see the threat Jane was.
  • If my Dad came on to the show to participate in a challenge, I would kiss him that much only to make him uncomfortable on television.  Quite frankly, I was a little uncomfortable watching that.
  • “What?  I didn’t know Fabio was that smart?”  He really rocked that puzzle.
  • Anyone miss Purple Kelly?
  • Holly’s husband seemed Super South Dakota Fired Up to be there.

Survivor Freeze Frame of the Week: I’ve got a few for you this week.

The Bell tolls for thee:

Hey, ummm, I think I’d….yeah, I’d like you to stop that:

There’s no way both of them know what that word means:

Survivor: We don’t get that hour back.

I’m giving this recap a half-assed effort in honor of the job that the casting department did this season.  I’m annoyed by the whole episode last night, I hope this isn’t a sign of this show slowing down, but between two people quitting and watching people watch a movie, there aren’t many positives to say about this episode.  Maybe it’s because last week was a recap, but I was expecting more.  Much like Holly who just wants a hot dog, this episode left me hungry.

You know what?  I’m not even going to type any more paragraphs.  Here….bullets:

  • I appreciate that Jeff Probst gets genuinely angry when people quit.  He sits in the same rain as the contestants at Tribal Council and he seems like a fan of the game.  I don’t know what his accommodations are like off-camera, there’s probably at least a roof, but I feel like he cares.  This matters to me.
  • When is the last time that there wasn’t a solid alliance this late in the game?
  • I look forward to whatever buffoonery Chase has in store for his newly acquired immunity idol.
  • The reward challenge looked pretty difficult, which is disappointing considering the reward was candy and jalapenos.  I would have taken all of the peanut M&M’s.
  • Why was Alina crying?
  • I would have like to see Marty’s pre-jury hair battle that rain.

No more bullets, consider this blog smuffed.

Except for the Survivor Freeze Frame of the Week. Since the show has stopped bringing it strong these last few weeks, I’m going to bring it hard.  Consider it broughten:

This is just funny:

And this is what it feels like when you don’t get your hot dog:

 

Survivor: 3 days late recap

Finally, the pot has been stirred.  For some reason it took Marty’s hair getting voted out for people to wake up.  He seemed to be everyone but Dan’s primary target so it doesn’t really make sense for his elimination to stir things up, but there hasn’t been much sense made this season.

Something clicked in Holly’s head, she decided it was time to play, and to the jury went Brenda.  Yes, Brenda who helped two people find hidden immunity idols, practically made them take the idols instead of taking them herself, and then didn’t see it as necessary to lower herself to scrambling.  All she needed to do was swing one person to her side to replace Naonka, but she couldn’t be bothered.  If Chase is one of your strongest allies, you need to rethink things anyway.  What the hell is that guy’s deal?  Did he really just want to get into Brenda’s yellow bikini bottom?  If he had ever managed to get an immunity idol he would have surely given it away and gotten himself voted off.  Will the Carolinas ever forgive him for his dumbassedness?  Will he win?

Seriously, who’s going to win this thing now?  I have no idea.  Now it seems like Sash and Chase are the next two to go, but at this stage everything changes so much week to week.  There are still two immunity idols, assuming they didn’t go up in flames when the tribe fed all of their wooden chests to the fire, so Sash and Naonka should be safe for a few more weeks.  Jane keeps winning challenges and Marty’s words about her being a lock to win if she makes it are still looming.  It seems like there are a few people that have no right to win (Dan, Absent of Mind Kelly, and Chase), but why vote them off before Jane or anyone else who may actually win a challenge?

  • Remember that time when I was sledding down the side of a volcano in Guatemala with Naonka?  That was awesome.
  • Is Jeff Probst more involved vocally in these challenges than he has been in the past?  Has he ever told another contestant, “Don’t you dare quit on this challenge”?  How about all that gruff he gave the yellow team in the barrel challenge?  “If this were life or death….you’d be dead.”  Good stuff, maybe the producers told him that someone needs to spruce up this season, and then it all came together in one episode.
  • The barrel challenge seemed like it was edited down to 2 minutes when it probably took an hour.  I still say cut it down even more and let me see the school yard picking of teams.
  • Pizza, brownies, green pop, and…banana bread?  Banana bread is out of place there.

    I Google image searched Chocolate Eruption looking for a picture from "Goonies". This came up instead. He's a Bengal.

    How about some molten lava cake?  Or some Chocolate Eruption?  I’m on the side of a freakin’ volcano!  Banana bread?

  • Dan was the fifth one out of the immunity challenge.  That will be his best performance all season.  Even if he manages to be one of the last four people there, he still won’t do better than being fifth out of a physical challenge.
  • Kelly Blank Head’s 20 years of wisdom allowed her to be the only one to vote for Benry.  Even Chase and Sash voted for Brenda.
  • It’s about time for the auction, is it not?
  • Marty should wear a hat.

Survivor Freeze Frame of the Week: Because I’m late, you get a bonus freeze frame.  The first is the understatement of the year.  The second is another “That’s what she Said” moment.

Survivor: Mr. Farty

And so Marty is gone.  I never really cared for the guy, but for some reason I was rooting for him to stay.  I really don’t know why either, maybe because he was one out of three people that actually seem to be playing the game and not just cruising by “playing” dumb like Fabio, or maybe it was his walk that apparently sucks.  I do look forward to seeing how his hair progresses on the jury.  I hope he doesn’t wash it.

Marty’s game was flawed, though, but he’s not alone.  The flaw was that he focused on Jane too much, when he should have been stirring up the Brenda/Sash pot.  These two are calling the shots and both seem intent on bringing Naonka and her immunity idol to the finals.  Everyone seems to think that they are in an alliance with Brenda and Sash, even Marty did, but Marty seemed to be the last common enemy that they all had.  Now that he’s gone, it should start to get a little grimy and people are going to have to start playing whether they want to or not.

I thought the guys going on the reward may have been the start of something, but Marty seemed blind to the fact that Sash is going to tell Brenda everything.  Any big plot to stir things up cannot be told to Brenda or Sash.  Is everyone missing this?

Clearly Purple Kelly doesn’t have her head in the game.  The first two sentences she spoke in quite a while were, “I’m gonna cry” and “I’m hungry”.  It was made clear that she has no strong alliance with the men, not strong enough for them to give up barbecue anyway.  Smart decision picking the women there, Chase.  He’s another dummy that won’t win, but managed to figure out Marty’s plan to flush out the idol, which just shows how bad of a plan it was.  I’m assuming Holly is just floating along waiting to get eliminated too, but people have won that way.  It could just be that none of these people get along and don’t want to be in an alliance to overthrow Brenda and Sash.  Somehow I can see Dan and Naonka sitting in the finals with the winner of the eventual Sash/Brenda back stab.

There is usually a big move made around this time in the game, and then one more when it gets down to about five people.  But one of the most indifferent casts in the show’s history might just plod along and get eliminated one after the other.  We’re due for a challenge in which the contestants are given three ropes and everyone takes an axe to someone else’s rope.  This usually makes the pecking order and alliances stand out so everyone knows where they stand.  The problem is that I don’t think Brenda and Sash know what the pecking order is.  Naonka seems to be the third in their alliance, but after that it’s a toss up.  Getting rid of Marty was an easy call, but now what?  Fabio, Benry, and Dan all voted with Marty.  Does that make them the next to go?

Survivor Freeze Frame of the Week: Since you’ve been so nice, this week you get two.  The first I call “Mr. Farty goes to Town.”

The second one I call “What Happens when you say ‘Barbecue’ to starving People”

Survivor.

I woke up this morning and decided to cook all of you breakfast.  That makes me mad!  So because I decided on my own to do a nice thing and cook all of you breakfast…and it made me mad, I’m taking these Crunch Berries and hiding them.  That’ll teach you to let me do something nice for you.

What the hell is wrong with this Naonka person?  I’ve made it a point to try and not write too much about her so as to not give her ignorance my time.  I also wish that the sports media would just stop asking Terrell Owens and Brett Favre for their opinions, but I doubt either will happen.  Initially I thought she was just trolling for fame by being the rude reality star, now I think it’s something else.  I have no idea what, I’m no doctor.  What do you think, Purple Kelly? (silence)

Bread!  Rum!  Feast!  “We gotta drink all of this…today!”  Right on, Fabio.  Who amongst us hasn’t had days like that where all of the booze just needed to be dealt with, no matter what the consequences.  Back in my 20’s, we called that Saturday.

One thing I never did in my 20’s, or my 30’s,  was P90X.  Apparently Jane has and it seems to be serving her well.

Wanna know what you're playin' for?

Although, for the immunity challenge I’m pretty certain that a Shake Weight may have served as just as good of a training tool.  It looked like it was all forearms and deltoids being worked out in that challenge, that screams Shake Weight to me.  Shake Weight!  Right before the challenge, I asked Her Sweetness, “What’s the over/under on Dan lasting?  Three minutes?”  Then he was out.  That rod is probably heavier than I think. (That’s what she said)

Anyone else tired of hearing Marty blabber on?  I do like what his hair has become, but I’m Marty-saturated.  Dan has nothing to say?  Holly?  Purple Kelly, what about you? (silence)

I do know this, Benry needs to form an alliance with Marty right now.  Bring in Fabio and maybe Holly (make sure you get her South Dakota Word of Honor), then shut up about it.  Otherwise you all become a group of swing votes, why not merge your swingvotedness and dominate?

Anyway, see ya Alina.  Whatever.  Nice try at making a plan out of nowhere with a group of people that didn’t like you.  Nice awareness.

Survivor Freeze Frame of the Week: I call this one “Not Quite Eve”.