I won’t even ask if you’ve had them before, because I know that everyone has, but I’ll tell you about it anyway. I’m talking about one of those moments that life throws at you, let’s say something easy and uneventful like running to the store to get milk and only milk. You go to the store and head straight for the back where the milk stuff is kept. You don’t even bother going through produce, because it’s crowded and you have no business there. You cut down the aisle with the lasagna pans and dog bones, because no one is in that aisle and you’re not there to dilly dally. At the end of the aisle you turn and get plowed by a shopping cart being pushed by an unsupervised child. You lose your balance and tumble into a pyramid of pickle jars that someone decided to make this week’s endcap. The child ignores everything and continues on to the candy aisle. You sit in a mix of broken glass and pickle juice. “Harry, clean up at the end of aisle 8.” All you wanted was milk. Harry comes, you apologize and explain what happened, ask if you can help, Harry’s mad, you walk away. You get to the milk, a woman takes out the last of the skim, you wanted the skim. You ask a store employee if there’s any skim somewhere else. “Harry, could you please come to the dairy section for a skim question?” “Harry’s busy, I’ll take 1 percent.” You walk to the check out line, you’re behind the woman that took the last of the skim. She looks at you and sniffs. You’re covered in pickle juice and a little bloody. Then you get nailed in your heels by a shopping cart. It’s the kid. His Mother took the skim. You want vengeance. Society frowns upon it. All you wanted was milk.
My fantasy football week was just like that. I don’t know which I’m more angry at, scratch that, yes I do. The Union is 1-3. 1 and 3! We have the second most points scored, we have three less than the team with the most points, but we’re 1-3. We went in to last night’s game ahead by, hell I don’t even remember, 14 I think. Wouldn’t you f’ing know it the only player left going against us was Davone Bess. Yeah, we lost by 1.3 points. You’ll remember that I’m a Dolphins fan. Everything fantasy-wise is fine if the Dolphins win. Nope, couldn’t even do that. Not even close. I was resigned to The Union losing this week on Sunday when Arian Foster was benched out of nowhere, but then he came into the game and gave us said 14 point lead. There was hope then.
Then, get this shit. Space Mountain, in it’s first position week match-up needed 12 points from Brandon Marshall to win. Sounds easy enough, right? The Patriots can’t cover anybody, especially Davone Bess. Anyway, Marshall had 5 catches for 50 yards. In most PPR leagues that’s 10 points and we still would have lost. In TUFFKL, however, 36-50 yards is 4 points, 51-75 yards earns you 7 points. So yeah, we lost by 1 F’ING YARD!
It’s better for your opinion of me that I didn’t write this last night. It would have been a cussing mess. Instead I somehow fell asleep rather quickly. Last year I witnessed a team lose what seemed like 14 games in a row, but they scored the 2nd or 3rd most points every week. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Now it’s happening to me. To add more misery the Dolphins marched down the field on their first drive of the game, come up with a 3rd and 6 and what do they do? A wildcat run for no gain. Can we stop it with that thing now? Please? Total momentum killer, I knew then that they weren’t winning.
One note before I go have a handful of Tylenol. Training Camp Autograph Signer, Dwayne Jarrett was busted for his second DWI early this morning. Apparently he couldn’t get separation from the bartender either. In his career with the Panthers: 3 starts, 2 DWI’s, 1touchdown.